Some links I've put up go to mature sites [for older teen audiences, NOT adult audiences! x_x]. The content isn't too extreme or disgusting but you will bump into stuff that will scare you. o.o"
These symbols I've made are here to warn you when you hover over the link. If it's unmarked, it's safe. If not...
[X] - This means there's some mature content in here. [Blood, horror, etc]
Life is just a boring routine. It's always the same everyday... school, work, home, work, sleep and the process starts all over again.
Today is a P.D. Day, and I have nothing to do. "Why don't you play with your Tamagotchi?" It's so well behaved that it never does anything... "Oh."
I've just made a couple of new graphics in the Goods section. Just made some avatars and some pixels. It's made out of my kindness and my urge to kill time!
Yeah...well, I'll post anything interesting that pops up later on today.
See you.
♥, Yuki
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 6:16 PM
Change
Wow. I haven't played with with this thing in 3 years.
I just got batteries for my old Tamagotchi. " Huh? What's that?" It's this...
A little virtual pet that you can take care of.
You can play games and connect them with friends. Yeah.
Onto the news online.
I deleted Aqua Studio. I know, it was such a pretty site! Pff. It just takes up space. And, I'm deleting the Get Lost Web Directory. I'm bored of a lame web directory...it just has a bunch of boring little links. Thats 'bout it. Not very interesting.
So...I'm pretty much stuck with this one.
See you later!
Let's continue waiting for snow and Christmas... *waits*
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 23, 2007, 5:28 PM
Leave Me A Gift!!!
The snow melted... But not all of it. Still, most of it melted...
Anyways, since nothing happened, I got bored. So I browsed the Net for interesting stuff to do. I found this little toy and I'd like to share it with you guys!
Cute, right? Leave a gift if you want.
♥, Yuki
Thursday, November 22, 2007, 8:56 PM
The First Snowflake
OH MY GOSH!!! IT SNOWED TODAY!!
It was hard to believe that 8th graders in middle school roll around in the snow...making snow angels. I saw a bunch of them acting like the little kids they used to be. Man, was that funny!
I played around, too. And I didn't go overboard. I made "art" in the snow. Like zig zag and swirly designs that I made by dragging my feet on the frozen concrete. It was interesting.
You wanna know what the staff did with the Community Center?! They decorated it with Christmas decor! There were wreathes hanging on the walls, a giant glowing Christmas tree in the corner of the main floor, and puffy red ribbons stuck on every wall. Aah...Christmas is coming!
Man, I had such a great time! Asagi bought me hot chocolate and we climbed snow mounds and we had snowball fights!
I hope there's even more snow tomorrow! WHOO!!
♥, Yukino
Sunday, November 18, 2007, 9:43 PM
Those Who Count
Today was another lame Sunday. I did my usual Sunday things. Did my usual stuff. I learned stuff in bible school.
But today, I was confused. Why is my mom a manipulative person? I want to know. One second she's sweet and kind, the next she's nagging and pouting. When she acts like a "sweetheart", she's in public. My mom pretends to treat us like gold. When we go to her house, she starts nagging at me and my brother. My brother was sulking for an hour because my mom said that she hates him for eating so much and that he's wasting her money. Hey, we're only human. And, guess what? Humans need food. I think she doesn't want to feed my brother. I saw my brother drag himself into the cramped bedroom upstairs and let him sulk. I feel bad for him. He's still ticked off at her for being so...insulting.
I always see other moms treat their kids like gold...and they actually mean it. They hug and kiss their kids. They make 'em feel good. I got a hugs from my mom. But they never seemed like real hugs. Just a squeeze and then you're pushed away. Real moms make their kids feel good. I've never felt happy around her.
My Dad told me sometime before that her mother's instinct has been taken away from her. He's not so clear on what did that. But he knows that she doesn't act like a real mom.
"A child that grows without a mother's love will have an unstable mentality." That's what my Dad said before. It doesn't seem like I have a very stable "mentality"(whatever that is... ).
***
"...And he got all ticked off because our mother said she hated him for eating way to much." "Looks like she doesn't want to feed you.", my Dad answered. "But it's just food!", my brother whimpered. "It's ok." No, it isn't. "Look, kids, she doesn't count. Those that don't count don't matter to you. Forget about it."
I'm not sure if she counts or not.
I'm not sure if God counts, either.
My Dad keeps telling me, "Has God ever stopped the tsunamis, tornadoes and hurricanes? No. Have you ever seen him? No. Has he ever done any good? No. "So why believe in him? If everything came from God, what came before him?"
That puzzled me.
Who are the people that count?
♥, Yuki
P.S. I updated my layout again! The other template got boring, so I got a new one!
Thursday, November 15, 2007, 9:47 PM
Reality
I just finished an interesting book about religion. The book is called Godless. Written by Pete Hautman. Here's the cover. This book is about sixteen-year-old Jason Bock. He's that dude across the street. The guy next door. The guy that hangs with an snail-obsessed geek. He's bored of his Catholic religion. He's tired of believing something totally "bogus". He's basically a nonbeliever. The faithless. He thinks, "If I basically become nonreligious, then I'd still be bored. Why not make your own customized religion? All you need is some rules, a Bible, a disciple or two...and a god." Guess what god he chose. A water tower. Yeah, you heard me. A water tower. Jason finds the perfect "disciples" for this new religion. Shin, that snail geek I was talking about before. He's a bit...obsessive. Shin is the loyal First Keeper of The Sacred Text. He basically writes the Bible. There's also the scariest kid in school, Henry. He has many different personalities. Like the one that's Jason's twin, the bookworm personality, the bully personality, and the wild and adventurous personality. He's the High Priest. And here comes Magda. She's the High Priestess and the "pretty" one. And the most ordinary(I think it should be boring) character in the group, Dan. He's the goody-two-shoes and the guy that doesn't mean much in the story. He's really...boring. He's so ordinary, that he's almost perfect. That's what makes this guy boring. An imperfect world has a lot going on in it. That's what makes it perfect(I don't make any sense, do I?) ! Jason never really gave him a fancy and religious title for this boring dude. He basically tags along. These kids start worshiping this water tower and named it the "Ten-Legged One". They soon have the first annual ceremony, and things don't turn out well. Shin is to chicken to go up and just ditches them and goes home. Henry overdoes this party thing and swims inside the Godhead(the inside of the water tower). Everyone else joins in. They then have a hard time getting out, so the group forms a human chain and tries to find their way out. When they get out, Henry falls off the water tower! But he lands safely on the catwalk up to the top. Ok, maybe not safely but he landed there. Henry broke two ribs and his leg on that long fall. Ouch. Magda, Jason and Dan thought he was gonna die, so Magda got worried. She started crying hysterically and screaming Henry's name. That attracted a lot of attention and they got caught. Everyone got in trouble after that. Jason realized it was easier making up a religion then controlling it. He started pondering about gods. The story has big questions in it. Is there a God? Which one is the real one? Very interesting concept. It makes me question about my religion. I should think about that.
Good read. I recommend it!
♥, Yuki
Saturday, November 10, 2007, 11:45 PM
Intersting AMV
Check this video out! It's a fan-made one I found somewhere. I love the song! I wish I knew what the song was called so I could listen to it on my Juke.Blog!
Anyway, enjoy.
♥, Yuki
8:16 PM
Bleach Ending 6 --- My Pace
Another video from the never-ending anime, BLEACH!
This is the 6th ending, My Pace. Enjoy.
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 9, 2007, 8:10 PM
THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!
They...they came back! THEY CAME BACK!!!
I don't feel sad, angry, or happy, I feel...surprised! "WHO THE HECK CAME BACK?!!" Ok, I'll answer your question. My stepmom and stepsis came back! "Why???" Because our stepmom can't make it on her own, so she has to depend on my Dad, even though she hates us.
Surprising...they just came back with all their stuff and a bunch of junk food! Dad wanted them to be "nicer" to me and my little bro. I have a feeling they won't. I also don't trust them...my Dad doesn't either...wonder what's gonna happen.
♥, Yuki
Wednesday, November 7, 2007, 4:30 PM
Social Worker
Today, nothing much happened. A blues band came to our school to play. No offense, but they made my ears bleed... *shudders* The horrors of old-school music!
I prefer soft pop or rock or something like that. But anything except jazz or the blues!
Sometime before I saw the band perform, I was sent down to the office to see Mrs. Hiroshima. "Hello, [Yukino]! Nice to see you again! I've talked to your Dad. He will allow you to go get counseling from the social worker!" Al I hear about this social worker person is that he/she councils people and that the person is called "social worker" all the time! I don't even know if that "social worker" is a man or woman! "So has anything happened?" "My stepmother and stepsister have moved away.", I answered. "Oh," she replied. "is your Dad unhappy about this?" "No. It doesn't seem like it." "Ok, well...you should go back to class. Good bye." She waved. "Bye." That was quick. While I was about to leave the office, the secretary gave me a white envelope. "To [Yukino *. ******] Class 6F", it read. I opened the envelope on my way out. Inside, there was a form. It was a form from the social worker. I can't remember the stuff it said, but they put the reason why this form was sent. "This form was sent to you because your child is coping with social and emotional problems."
That's what happened today.
Now, let me tell your something that happened yesterday. I made a Blogger template! Click here to see it! I'm not gonna use it 'cause it's too...old. It's my very first template I've ever made! I'm proud.
♥, Yuki
Monday, November 5, 2007, 2:50 PM
Christmas Is Coming...In Another Month
Now that Halloween is over, let's think Christmas! Christmas will be coming in another month, though. So lets wait!
Er...nothing happened today, so why don't you look at my older posts? Look at the one below...
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 2, 2007, 5:03 PM
Unloved
I understand everything now! Now I won't be lost in the dark anymore.
I feel so much better now. I finally have been told why this has happened and why I never had a real Mom. I found this out yesterday. "Are you ok, [Yukino]?", asked Dad. "I'm great.", I answered sarcastically. There was a ticked off expression on my face. "Did you talk to [Mrs. Hiroshima]?" "Yes. She said she is going to let the social worker help you. I think she's afraid that you will kill yourself and she will be responsible." "I don't think I would do that." "Well, you did say that you thought of suicide." "Yeah, only thought." "Do you know exactly why you're sad?" "No. I wish I did. Then this would all be over. I only know that I lived with an abnormal family and I'm sad about it. And I don't know why." Silence. "When you were little," Dad began, "You lived with the whole family. Neither of us ever got to spend time with you. I had to go to work and you mother didn't care about you. She never spent time with you. She could, but she didn't want to. I had to work and pay the bills. She had no job, and nothing to pay for. She could spend as much time with you as possible. But she didn't. She just put you in front of a TV. She treated you like a beanbag. Just put you on the couch, in front of TV for the whole day. That makes you feel worthless, right? This is why you have low self-esteem. You think you're worthless." There were tears welled up in my eyes. They tumbled down my cheeks. "Sh - she did that?", I stuttered. "I never noticed until you were four. You still didn't even know how to speak! She was obviously not taking care of you. I was really mad when I found out. "She gambled, too. She gambled in the stock market. After that, she wanted all my money so I left her. We had a fight in court and I won. I took you two away because I didn't want you to be damaged anymore." More and more tears flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks. "SHE DID THAT TO HER OWN CHILD???", I thought angrily. "She even let you get hypothermia. She didn't dress you properly and brought you outside when it was cold. You froze up. I was very angry at her. She didn't take care of you." Now that he mentioned it, I remembered a time when I was outside. Shivering. I was crying and I had a runny nose. I saw a lot of white. It was snow. I was all cold and sick. My body was all pale and shriveled up. I was freezing like heck. I wore these thin clothes. I was crying loudly and coughed. "She didn't love you, either. When I found out what happened to you, it was too late. But I loved you. I liked to take out to places. Look." He pointed to the photo albums. I took one of them and look at all my baby pictures. I was smiling in every picture. I was all chubby and fat. I looked so happy. "You were a happy baby. See?" Dad pointed to a picture of myself holding a dandelion and smiling. Then we started seeing pictures of my brother. Our friend's grandma started babysitting my brother when he was a baby. Grandma loved him. "See, your brother was a bit better than you. He is happy. Grandma was there to care for him." I saw a picture of Grandma hugging my brother. I was so happy for him. I'm happy he didn't suffer with me. I started to cry happy tears. I was so glad. My brother wasn't hurt. "Grandma had to stop babysitting your brother because your mother gave her trouble. It's too bad Grandma couldn't care for your brother longer." That's true. "Your mother never cared for you. She didn't act like a mother. She had some mental problems, and because of that, she lost her mother instinct." Mother instinct? "Mother instinct is what every mother has. The instincts for caring and loving children. Mothers played with their children, but did your mother play with you?" No. I only sat in front of the TV all day. I just nibbled on a bit of food and watched more TV. She didn't play with me. Ever. "We fathers have the father instinct. We protect our kids. We buy stuff you need and bring you to places. That kind of thing. But a father can never replace a mother's love. Never. I spent time with you for your whole life. I tried to make you happy. But I was always busy with work. So I didn't get time to spend with you two. You ended up feeling unloved. You never had a mother's love." It was true. I did feel unloved. "The social worker will help you with your problem, but she won't fix it completely." I guess the rest would be up to me. I think I can fix myself if I try.
♥, Yuki
Thursday, November 1, 2007, 4:44 PM
Unexpected
Wow. That was sudden. And I thought this would be a "happy end" to my problems. Guess I was wrong.
This morning was like every other morning. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast and go to school.
But when I came back home, it was quiet. Too quiet. My brother was riding his bike on the patio and I was wondering where everyone went. I stared into space as my little brother stepped inside the house. "They moved." "Huh?" I was sucked back into reality. "They moved", my brother repeated. "They moved?", I said dumb-founded. "Yep." "Oh, ok. Well, I gotta go do my homework. See ya." I snatched my binder from my bag and raced to my room. I looked around our - no my - room and saw how empty it was. The bottom bunk where my stepsister slept was stripped from it's bedsheets. All that was left was my little teddy that I gave her. I sat on the bare bed and took the bear into my arms. I started to have this feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. The feeling of a lump in your throat and your eyes welling up with tears. Basically the feeling of being alone. I don't know why I felt like that. I never really liked my stepsister and step mom. They never really liked me. I feel like an incident like this has happened to me a long time ago. When I was a little girl at the age of four, with a crying, whining baby brother. I remember those fights Mom and Dad had when I was little. Like it was yesterday. It makes me feel terrible thinking of those times. I'm stuck thinking about the past instead of the future. That's what happens when I'm depressed. A couple weeks ago, I looked ahead of me and actually didn't look back. I kept my head up and stood up straight. I even smiled. But now I'm back to little old Miss Misery. Right now I feel like crying my eyes out. This...event has happened to me so many times! I even remember the other women my Dad divorced! I remember their fights, the sudden moving, everything! I'm starting to lose my grip now. I feel like giving up on hope. I feel like dying again.
When I went into the kitchen, I saw a knife lying on a cutting board. I had the urge to grab it and make slits on my wrists. I felt like making myself bleed. I imagined how much I would cry after that, so I chucked the thought out of my head and started nibbling on some food.
I still feel bad. I need to tell Mrs. Hiroshima what happened. This is something I must take care of NOW.
Friday, November 30, 2007, 11:54 AM
Bored
Life is just a boring routine. It's always the same everyday... school, work, home, work, sleep and the process starts all over again.
Today is a P.D. Day, and I have nothing to do. "Why don't you play with your Tamagotchi?" It's so well behaved that it never does anything... "Oh."
I've just made a couple of new graphics in the Goods section. Just made some avatars and some pixels. It's made out of my kindness and my urge to kill time!
Yeah...well, I'll post anything interesting that pops up later on today.
See you.
♥, Yuki
Wednesday, November 28, 2007, 6:16 PM
Change
Wow. I haven't played with with this thing in 3 years.
I just got batteries for my old Tamagotchi. " Huh? What's that?" It's this...
A little virtual pet that you can take care of.
You can play games and connect them with friends. Yeah.
Onto the news online.
I deleted Aqua Studio. I know, it was such a pretty site! Pff. It just takes up space. And, I'm deleting the Get Lost Web Directory. I'm bored of a lame web directory...it just has a bunch of boring little links. Thats 'bout it. Not very interesting.
So...I'm pretty much stuck with this one.
See you later!
Let's continue waiting for snow and Christmas... *waits*
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 23, 2007, 5:28 PM
Leave Me A Gift!!!
The snow melted... But not all of it. Still, most of it melted...
Anyways, since nothing happened, I got bored. So I browsed the Net for interesting stuff to do. I found this little toy and I'd like to share it with you guys!
Cute, right? Leave a gift if you want.
♥, Yuki
Thursday, November 22, 2007, 8:56 PM
The First Snowflake
OH MY GOSH!!! IT SNOWED TODAY!!
It was hard to believe that 8th graders in middle school roll around in the snow...making snow angels. I saw a bunch of them acting like the little kids they used to be. Man, was that funny!
I played around, too. And I didn't go overboard. I made "art" in the snow. Like zig zag and swirly designs that I made by dragging my feet on the frozen concrete. It was interesting.
You wanna know what the staff did with the Community Center?! They decorated it with Christmas decor! There were wreathes hanging on the walls, a giant glowing Christmas tree in the corner of the main floor, and puffy red ribbons stuck on every wall. Aah...Christmas is coming!
Man, I had such a great time! Asagi bought me hot chocolate and we climbed snow mounds and we had snowball fights!
I hope there's even more snow tomorrow! WHOO!!
♥, Yukino
Sunday, November 18, 2007, 9:43 PM
Those Who Count
Today was another lame Sunday. I did my usual Sunday things. Did my usual stuff. I learned stuff in bible school.
But today, I was confused. Why is my mom a manipulative person? I want to know. One second she's sweet and kind, the next she's nagging and pouting. When she acts like a "sweetheart", she's in public. My mom pretends to treat us like gold. When we go to her house, she starts nagging at me and my brother. My brother was sulking for an hour because my mom said that she hates him for eating so much and that he's wasting her money. Hey, we're only human. And, guess what? Humans need food. I think she doesn't want to feed my brother. I saw my brother drag himself into the cramped bedroom upstairs and let him sulk. I feel bad for him. He's still ticked off at her for being so...insulting.
I always see other moms treat their kids like gold...and they actually mean it. They hug and kiss their kids. They make 'em feel good. I got a hugs from my mom. But they never seemed like real hugs. Just a squeeze and then you're pushed away. Real moms make their kids feel good. I've never felt happy around her.
My Dad told me sometime before that her mother's instinct has been taken away from her. He's not so clear on what did that. But he knows that she doesn't act like a real mom.
"A child that grows without a mother's love will have an unstable mentality." That's what my Dad said before. It doesn't seem like I have a very stable "mentality"(whatever that is... ).
***
"...And he got all ticked off because our mother said she hated him for eating way to much." "Looks like she doesn't want to feed you.", my Dad answered. "But it's just food!", my brother whimpered. "It's ok." No, it isn't. "Look, kids, she doesn't count. Those that don't count don't matter to you. Forget about it."
I'm not sure if she counts or not.
I'm not sure if God counts, either.
My Dad keeps telling me, "Has God ever stopped the tsunamis, tornadoes and hurricanes? No. Have you ever seen him? No. Has he ever done any good? No. "So why believe in him? If everything came from God, what came before him?"
That puzzled me.
Who are the people that count?
♥, Yuki
P.S. I updated my layout again! The other template got boring, so I got a new one!
Thursday, November 15, 2007, 9:47 PM
Reality
I just finished an interesting book about religion. The book is called Godless. Written by Pete Hautman. Here's the cover. This book is about sixteen-year-old Jason Bock. He's that dude across the street. The guy next door. The guy that hangs with an snail-obsessed geek. He's bored of his Catholic religion. He's tired of believing something totally "bogus". He's basically a nonbeliever. The faithless. He thinks, "If I basically become nonreligious, then I'd still be bored. Why not make your own customized religion? All you need is some rules, a Bible, a disciple or two...and a god." Guess what god he chose. A water tower. Yeah, you heard me. A water tower. Jason finds the perfect "disciples" for this new religion. Shin, that snail geek I was talking about before. He's a bit...obsessive. Shin is the loyal First Keeper of The Sacred Text. He basically writes the Bible. There's also the scariest kid in school, Henry. He has many different personalities. Like the one that's Jason's twin, the bookworm personality, the bully personality, and the wild and adventurous personality. He's the High Priest. And here comes Magda. She's the High Priestess and the "pretty" one. And the most ordinary(I think it should be boring) character in the group, Dan. He's the goody-two-shoes and the guy that doesn't mean much in the story. He's really...boring. He's so ordinary, that he's almost perfect. That's what makes this guy boring. An imperfect world has a lot going on in it. That's what makes it perfect(I don't make any sense, do I?) ! Jason never really gave him a fancy and religious title for this boring dude. He basically tags along. These kids start worshiping this water tower and named it the "Ten-Legged One". They soon have the first annual ceremony, and things don't turn out well. Shin is to chicken to go up and just ditches them and goes home. Henry overdoes this party thing and swims inside the Godhead(the inside of the water tower). Everyone else joins in. They then have a hard time getting out, so the group forms a human chain and tries to find their way out. When they get out, Henry falls off the water tower! But he lands safely on the catwalk up to the top. Ok, maybe not safely but he landed there. Henry broke two ribs and his leg on that long fall. Ouch. Magda, Jason and Dan thought he was gonna die, so Magda got worried. She started crying hysterically and screaming Henry's name. That attracted a lot of attention and they got caught. Everyone got in trouble after that. Jason realized it was easier making up a religion then controlling it. He started pondering about gods. The story has big questions in it. Is there a God? Which one is the real one? Very interesting concept. It makes me question about my religion. I should think about that.
Good read. I recommend it!
♥, Yuki
Saturday, November 10, 2007, 11:45 PM
Intersting AMV
Check this video out! It's a fan-made one I found somewhere. I love the song! I wish I knew what the song was called so I could listen to it on my Juke.Blog!
Anyway, enjoy.
♥, Yuki
8:16 PM
Bleach Ending 6 --- My Pace
Another video from the never-ending anime, BLEACH!
This is the 6th ending, My Pace. Enjoy.
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 9, 2007, 8:10 PM
THEY HAVE RETURNED!!!
They...they came back! THEY CAME BACK!!!
I don't feel sad, angry, or happy, I feel...surprised! "WHO THE HECK CAME BACK?!!" Ok, I'll answer your question. My stepmom and stepsis came back! "Why???" Because our stepmom can't make it on her own, so she has to depend on my Dad, even though she hates us.
Surprising...they just came back with all their stuff and a bunch of junk food! Dad wanted them to be "nicer" to me and my little bro. I have a feeling they won't. I also don't trust them...my Dad doesn't either...wonder what's gonna happen.
♥, Yuki
Wednesday, November 7, 2007, 4:30 PM
Social Worker
Today, nothing much happened. A blues band came to our school to play. No offense, but they made my ears bleed... *shudders* The horrors of old-school music!
I prefer soft pop or rock or something like that. But anything except jazz or the blues!
Sometime before I saw the band perform, I was sent down to the office to see Mrs. Hiroshima. "Hello, [Yukino]! Nice to see you again! I've talked to your Dad. He will allow you to go get counseling from the social worker!" Al I hear about this social worker person is that he/she councils people and that the person is called "social worker" all the time! I don't even know if that "social worker" is a man or woman! "So has anything happened?" "My stepmother and stepsister have moved away.", I answered. "Oh," she replied. "is your Dad unhappy about this?" "No. It doesn't seem like it." "Ok, well...you should go back to class. Good bye." She waved. "Bye." That was quick. While I was about to leave the office, the secretary gave me a white envelope. "To [Yukino *. ******] Class 6F", it read. I opened the envelope on my way out. Inside, there was a form. It was a form from the social worker. I can't remember the stuff it said, but they put the reason why this form was sent. "This form was sent to you because your child is coping with social and emotional problems."
That's what happened today.
Now, let me tell your something that happened yesterday. I made a Blogger template! Click here to see it! I'm not gonna use it 'cause it's too...old. It's my very first template I've ever made! I'm proud.
♥, Yuki
Monday, November 5, 2007, 2:50 PM
Christmas Is Coming...In Another Month
Now that Halloween is over, let's think Christmas! Christmas will be coming in another month, though. So lets wait!
Er...nothing happened today, so why don't you look at my older posts? Look at the one below...
♥, Yuki
Friday, November 2, 2007, 5:03 PM
Unloved
I understand everything now! Now I won't be lost in the dark anymore.
I feel so much better now. I finally have been told why this has happened and why I never had a real Mom. I found this out yesterday. "Are you ok, [Yukino]?", asked Dad. "I'm great.", I answered sarcastically. There was a ticked off expression on my face. "Did you talk to [Mrs. Hiroshima]?" "Yes. She said she is going to let the social worker help you. I think she's afraid that you will kill yourself and she will be responsible." "I don't think I would do that." "Well, you did say that you thought of suicide." "Yeah, only thought." "Do you know exactly why you're sad?" "No. I wish I did. Then this would all be over. I only know that I lived with an abnormal family and I'm sad about it. And I don't know why." Silence. "When you were little," Dad began, "You lived with the whole family. Neither of us ever got to spend time with you. I had to go to work and you mother didn't care about you. She never spent time with you. She could, but she didn't want to. I had to work and pay the bills. She had no job, and nothing to pay for. She could spend as much time with you as possible. But she didn't. She just put you in front of a TV. She treated you like a beanbag. Just put you on the couch, in front of TV for the whole day. That makes you feel worthless, right? This is why you have low self-esteem. You think you're worthless." There were tears welled up in my eyes. They tumbled down my cheeks. "Sh - she did that?", I stuttered. "I never noticed until you were four. You still didn't even know how to speak! She was obviously not taking care of you. I was really mad when I found out. "She gambled, too. She gambled in the stock market. After that, she wanted all my money so I left her. We had a fight in court and I won. I took you two away because I didn't want you to be damaged anymore." More and more tears flowed out of my eyes and down my cheeks. "SHE DID THAT TO HER OWN CHILD???", I thought angrily. "She even let you get hypothermia. She didn't dress you properly and brought you outside when it was cold. You froze up. I was very angry at her. She didn't take care of you." Now that he mentioned it, I remembered a time when I was outside. Shivering. I was crying and I had a runny nose. I saw a lot of white. It was snow. I was all cold and sick. My body was all pale and shriveled up. I was freezing like heck. I wore these thin clothes. I was crying loudly and coughed. "She didn't love you, either. When I found out what happened to you, it was too late. But I loved you. I liked to take out to places. Look." He pointed to the photo albums. I took one of them and look at all my baby pictures. I was smiling in every picture. I was all chubby and fat. I looked so happy. "You were a happy baby. See?" Dad pointed to a picture of myself holding a dandelion and smiling. Then we started seeing pictures of my brother. Our friend's grandma started babysitting my brother when he was a baby. Grandma loved him. "See, your brother was a bit better than you. He is happy. Grandma was there to care for him." I saw a picture of Grandma hugging my brother. I was so happy for him. I'm happy he didn't suffer with me. I started to cry happy tears. I was so glad. My brother wasn't hurt. "Grandma had to stop babysitting your brother because your mother gave her trouble. It's too bad Grandma couldn't care for your brother longer." That's true. "Your mother never cared for you. She didn't act like a mother. She had some mental problems, and because of that, she lost her mother instinct." Mother instinct? "Mother instinct is what every mother has. The instincts for caring and loving children. Mothers played with their children, but did your mother play with you?" No. I only sat in front of the TV all day. I just nibbled on a bit of food and watched more TV. She didn't play with me. Ever. "We fathers have the father instinct. We protect our kids. We buy stuff you need and bring you to places. That kind of thing. But a father can never replace a mother's love. Never. I spent time with you for your whole life. I tried to make you happy. But I was always busy with work. So I didn't get time to spend with you two. You ended up feeling unloved. You never had a mother's love." It was true. I did feel unloved. "The social worker will help you with your problem, but she won't fix it completely." I guess the rest would be up to me. I think I can fix myself if I try.
♥, Yuki
Thursday, November 1, 2007, 4:44 PM
Unexpected
Wow. That was sudden. And I thought this would be a "happy end" to my problems. Guess I was wrong.
This morning was like every other morning. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast and go to school.
But when I came back home, it was quiet. Too quiet. My brother was riding his bike on the patio and I was wondering where everyone went. I stared into space as my little brother stepped inside the house. "They moved." "Huh?" I was sucked back into reality. "They moved", my brother repeated. "They moved?", I said dumb-founded. "Yep." "Oh, ok. Well, I gotta go do my homework. See ya." I snatched my binder from my bag and raced to my room. I looked around our - no my - room and saw how empty it was. The bottom bunk where my stepsister slept was stripped from it's bedsheets. All that was left was my little teddy that I gave her. I sat on the bare bed and took the bear into my arms. I started to have this feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. The feeling of a lump in your throat and your eyes welling up with tears. Basically the feeling of being alone. I don't know why I felt like that. I never really liked my stepsister and step mom. They never really liked me. I feel like an incident like this has happened to me a long time ago. When I was a little girl at the age of four, with a crying, whining baby brother. I remember those fights Mom and Dad had when I was little. Like it was yesterday. It makes me feel terrible thinking of those times. I'm stuck thinking about the past instead of the future. That's what happens when I'm depressed. A couple weeks ago, I looked ahead of me and actually didn't look back. I kept my head up and stood up straight. I even smiled. But now I'm back to little old Miss Misery. Right now I feel like crying my eyes out. This...event has happened to me so many times! I even remember the other women my Dad divorced! I remember their fights, the sudden moving, everything! I'm starting to lose my grip now. I feel like giving up on hope. I feel like dying again.
When I went into the kitchen, I saw a knife lying on a cutting board. I had the urge to grab it and make slits on my wrists. I felt like making myself bleed. I imagined how much I would cry after that, so I chucked the thought out of my head and started nibbling on some food.
I still feel bad. I need to tell Mrs. Hiroshima what happened. This is something I must take care of NOW.
Girl
Name: Yukino Age: 12 B-Day: March 16 Country: Canada Lives For: Fooooood :D , friends and family, music and um...more fooood "Fake" Body Part: Headphones Music Genres: R&B, Pop, Rock Movie Genres: Comedy, Horror, Fantasy Book Genres: Fantasy, Comedy IQ: Somewhere in between 0 and 5 Brain Size: A bit smaller than your regular sized pea... Hobbies: Art, Literature, Writing, Being Stupid, Exercising, Eating canday :D Food: CANDAYYYY~!!
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